This has been an interesting, guy-filled week for me, despite the fact that I’m still sick. I saw Mr. BG on Wednesday finally, though that night I felt so sick that I wasn’t up for much. We went to have Mexican dinner, and during dinner he pointed out an interesting fact to me- I’m not very nice. Which is weird, I’ve told him all the time that I think he is TOO nice, so the fact that he said to me that I’m not very nice, confirms my suspicions- I’m only nice to guys who aren’t nice to me.
I dated The Dentist for 6 months, but during that time, I had also met another guy. He was in the Coast Guard, and we met on Spring Break. And he was amazing looking- the kind of guy that I didn’t know why he would be into me at all. So we started a long distance relationship, but all the while I was also seeing The Dentist. When I say long distance, I should really mention that we only hung out while on spring break, and then he got deployed to Cuba, so we had to stay in contact through phone calls and internet only. But I liked him a lot, and again, he was a NICE guy. But the whole time he was gone, my relationship with The Dentist was progressing. And it got to the point where I had to tell them about each other, especially when Mr. Coast Guard paid for me to go and visit him in Cuba. When I told them about each other, they obviously weren’t happy, but The Dentist seemed to view it more as a challenge that he wanted to win, while Mr. Coast Guard told him that he just wanted me to be happy and he understood that while he was gone, he couldn’t ask me to date only him, after only having met and hung out 4 days. So, while things evolved with The Dentist (and not only for the better, I had to deal with his mood swings, and learning some unsavory things about him) things hit a stalemate with Mr. Coast Guard. And even when things were done with the Dentist and Mr. Coast Guard was home, something just seemed to be missing. Part of it was, while I was in Cuba (and I did have an amazing time there), he just seemed too…eager. Like he wanted everything to be perfect and things just didn’t click naturally. And he was always telling me how awesome I was, how pretty, how funny, calling me when I felt down, sending me flowers at school, yet I ultimately chose the guy who even admitted to me later that I deserved better. The Dentist, and other ‘wrong guys’ have told me that I’m the sweetest, nicest girl ever, and yet with ‘nice boys’, I seem to do exactly the opposite. So part of me has always wondered, do I like the ‘bad boy’? Am I attracted to the wrong kind of guys on purpose? I always think I want to be with the guy who is going to adore me, but then I date that guy and he just can’t get my juices flowing. And sometimes I wonder if I date the wrong guy as kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, so later I can say “see, it didn’t work out, I knew it wouldn’t”. That’s me, always pushing people away. And I would be the first to say that girls shouldn’t try to change a guy, and that nice guys don’t finish last, but I find myself repeating the same pattern over and over.
So that brings me back to Mr. BG, who I love to be around, but was pointing out to me that I don’t treat him the greatest, and I’m back to remembering my Coast Guard/Dentist situation. And now that I am friends with The Dentist, he tells me all the time that I don’t want the nice guy, that it is actually a complete turn-off to me. Dammit, I don’t want him to be right, but is he? And while I have an amazing time with Mr. BG, and look forward to hanging out with him and talking to him, when he said that he wanted to kiss me but wouldn’t because of my sickness, I was almost relieved. He’s the type of guy I know I should be with, that I deserve to be with, but maybe he deserves better than me?
I also hung out with The Accountant again this week, meeting for a quick drink and dinner. We once again had great conversation, though his love of mentioning physical anatomy (he had a knack for turning everything perverted, and my mind doesn’t work that way- I never get those jokes) was very different from my over-usage of the words “wiener” and “boobies”. But we had a lot in common, even finding out that we both loved the Christmas movie “Muppet Family Christmas”- which I didn’t think anyone else even knew existed (but you’ve got to love those Fragglerocks!). But I also didn’t kiss him that night (and he told me he was disappointed we didn’t kiss after our first date- but I never kiss on a first date, I didn’t even realize it was an option!) because he also didn’t want to get sick (what is with these pansy germaphobes?), so I was left wondering what it would be like to kiss a gigantor.
Then, Friday, it happened. The thing I have been secretly hoping for for the last two weeks- Josh broke down and called me. I didn’t want to do it, but I invited him over. And the second he walked in the door and took me in his arms, I was a goner. The butterflies were back. We didn’t talk much, just quiet cuddling on the couch and watching TV, never addressing what happened with us. I was disappointed when he left, refusing my request to stay overnight and not giving me a kiss goodbye even. So I was ready to write him off, and I deleted him from my phone (for the 7th time probably). The next day, however, I got a text from him.
“So, I’m trying not to think about you”, he texted.
“How’s that working out for you”, I texted back, trying to sound nonchalant, but inside, my mind was reeling, I couldn’t believe I was putting myself through this roller coaster with Josh again, but I couldn’t help feeling so excited that he was writing.
“Haven’t stopped since I left last night, and not in a bad way either…surprisingly” he stated to me.
“I’m surprised to even hear from you, given how you left last night” I wrote back.
And thus started the texted back and forth, where he admitted that he had wanted to stop thinking about me over the last couple weeks, but couldn’t. And that’s how I ended up at his house last night, and this morning when I woke up in his arms after an amazing night sleep (and I am never able to sleep and cuddle at the same time, we just fit together so well), we stayed in bed for hours, talking, cuddling, kissing…it was the perfect lazy Sunday morning scenario that I hope for all the time. I didn’t want to leave, and he didn’t want me to go either, but my dog was home alone, so reluctantly I left.
Immediately, on the way home I started thinking (or in the more likely case- because it is me- overthinking) my decision. Why did I go running to Josh the moment he came back in my life? He probably didn’t even want the same thing as me. And here I am again, repeating my same mistakes- falling for the wrong guy, the guy I have nothing in common with, the guy who pushes me away- when I have some perfectly nice guys trying to win me over. And Mr. BG was supposed to come over today, but I called him and told him I still wasn’t feeling good, because I couldn’t spend the day with a guy when I had spent the night with someone different. How do people do this? The Dentist told me to date them all- because who cares? But I do! So I cancelled, it wasn’t a lie, I don’t feel great, but I don’t want to mislead anyone, and I felt miserable because my heart and my head are confusing. But while I was sulking and feeling bad about my decisions, Josh called me. He booked a cabin for us, so we could have a weekend getaway together, just the two of us. We had just laid in bed talking about how fun it would be to have an adventure together, but just on my drive home, when I told him my concern about the other guys and hurting other people (why can’t I learn how to keep my mouth shut) and he told me I could do what I wanted to do, and he didn’t care if I dated other people. Yet this seems to me to be the actions of someone who wants to woo me (an idea that he abhors- because it means giving up part of yourself he said), and actually have a relationship with me, so maybe we have a chance after all. All I know is, I want these two weeks to pass quickly, because I’m excited about a weekend of fun with Josh, I just hope he doesn’t try to push me away before then. And I’m wondering should I forget about Josh and go for the nice guys? It’s times like these when I wish I had a life coach to make my decisions for me, but for now, I’ll just keep trying to keep my head above water. I always forget how hard dating can be!
You aren't supposed to tell them about each other. They hate that 🙂
Yeah, they do hate that.