All good things must come to an end, that’s what they all say right? In the case of Josh and me it came to an end fast. Didn’t I say in my last post we would see if we could make it two weeks until the cabin plans? Well, we made it about two days after Josh first suggested those plans, should’ve taken bets to see how long it would last. And though I’m so confused about what happened, I’ll try to explain it the best that I know.
The last blog I talked about the amazing Sunday morning where Josh and I had a lay-in until I had to go home and take care of my dog. We texted the rest of the day, cute hopeful texts about how much better we were going to be. Josh telling me that he felt so much more confident about us and how he felt things with me that he didn’t realize he could still feel. All the while those sweet texts giving me butterflies in my stomach and making me feel so special. I felt so gratified that he realized he was an idiot after the last time he pushed me away and that he had made a mistake. We made plans to hang out the next weekend, and maybe once during the week. Both of us like our space, and had agreed that it’s great to miss someone when you are dating them, so it sounded like a great plan to me. My ex, The Dentist, and I were hanging out that day, watching football, and he started rolling his eyes about all my gushing about Josh. I was really happy.
That night, I had a nightmare about Josh. It was such a vivid dream, he was texting me, and telling me that I was annoying, and he didn’t really like me, it was all a joke. It seemed like real life because, well, he had done that a couple weeks ago. Not those exact words, but that sentiment. When I woke up I felt horrible, all of my excitedness was gone, because I felt like that was what could really happen. When Josh texted me that morning, still full of sweetness and excited about our new, optimistic relationship, I tried to share in that sentiment. But he could tell I was off, so I let him in on my dream, not giving him all the details, but the general idea.
“My sweet girl, I see you have taken a turn, come over tonight at 6 so you can see me and feel better”, he texted. And that text made me feel so good. So silly it seems, but Josh is a person who loves to be alone more than anyone I know, the fact that he wanted to see me so soon, and comfort me, made me feel awesome. Later in the day though, he confided in me that my fears made him feel less confident, and I started to worry. Is the honeymoon phase of our new attempts in a relationship over already? Did I jinx it all just by opening my big mouth? As you all have seen, I seem to have a problem in that I am too honest with people, I guess I need to stop doing that, I just always think being honest is noble and people will appreciate it.
So I went to Josh’s place that night, and we cuddled, and kissed, and watched a movie, and had a great night.
“We’re so great in person” he told me.
“Awesome”, I agreed. Josh asked me to stay the night, but I didn’t, since I had to be up for work early, and I knew if I stayed I wouldn’t get the best sleep. One thing that we did talk about was Josh telling me again that he wanted to be the only guy in my life, and I actually thought for the first time with Josh, was that that was definitely something I wanted to do, though I didn’t tell him that.
The next day, I forgot my cell phone at home, so didn’t talk to Josh all day. When I got home I had missed a few texts from Josh. And I decided I would tell him that I wanted to date him exclusively.
“You’ve made me so happy” he texted me.
“I hope we continue to make each other happy”, I wrote back. I didn’t hear back from him.
“How was work today?” , I texted, but to no reply.
“I’m really so excited about the cabin, do you think we should take Oliver?” I wrote him, referring to my dog. Still nothing. And I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Don’t jump to conclusions; I told myself, he’s probably just working out, those these texts were taking place over 4 hours.
That night, I went to my friend’s house for a girl’s night of watching the Bachelor, and I felt horrible all night. I didn’t want to talk about Josh, I didn’t look at my cell phone the whole time, and I was hoping when I finally did look it would be full of messages from Josh, with excuses and apologies for not writing back sooner. And when I got in my car, I was disappointed (but not surprised really) to find out there wasn’t a single message from Josh.
And it continued Wednesday and Thursday.
“Just say something”, I wrote “tell me to fuck off, tell me you need some time to think, tell me you’re scared, but say something”. I hated myself; I usually have so much pride that I would never text a guy more than once if I didn’t hear back from him. And here I am in desperation trying to get him to talk to me. I wanted to just forget about him, but I couldn’t get him off my mind.
Then I finally heard from him late Thursday.
“Just forget about me, move on”, he texted. I called him on the phone, I didn’t want to text, I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn’t pick up.
“Why are you doing this again? You just told me you were happy, you booked a cabin for us”, I wrote to him.
“All bullshit, I haven’t meant a thing I’ve said. I don’t want you”, he texted back. Ouch, that hurt…bad. When The Dentist and I were over, I barely shed a tear, after 6 months, and here I was- waterworks, over a guy I barely knew a month, why did he have such power over me? I asked him to talk to me, to at least come over and talk to me in person (remembering him saying that we were so good when we were together, and knowing that he would see and forget about all his worries and doubts), but he refused, telling me it was a waste of time.
“You’re not worth the risk” he texted. But again, I couldn’t forget something he had said to me after we ‘reconciled’ a week before. “I sometimes want to push you away now, so it doesn’t hurt later”, he had said. That’s what he’s doing now, I just know it.
Last night with friends, they pointed out to me again what I already know (and what The Dentist keeps telling me) – I seem to only like guys who treat me like crap. I like the challenge, the excitement of it. Maybe I don’t even have strong feelings for Josh, maybe it is just the game of it. He told me when we first met that sometimes he dated people just to remind himself of why he was single, had I taken that as a challenge right from the beginning? Is that why I had liked him this whole time? All of this is making me feel like I will be alone forever, maybe I don’t even deserve a guy who will genuinely try and make me happy.
But there’s hope. I went back out with The Gigantor Accountant on Friday, and had a really good time. I almost didn’t go, I told him I had had a bad week and probably wouldn’t be good company, but he convinced me saying that that was more reason to go out and have fun- get my mind of it. And we weren’t serious, it was only the third time we had hung out, so I went. I barely thought about Josh at all (though I did call him Josh at one point- I was able to come up with a good excuse for that one), and I thought maybe this is a quality guy I could date. I don’t want to rush anything, but it made me feel like maybe my feelings for Josh weren’t as strong as I thought they were. I was reminded about everything I don’t have in common with Josh, and all we had was our chemistry. Chemistry eventually dies, doesn’t it? And the best part is, last night Josh texted me and told me he wanted to talk, and I didn’t write him back. Even today, I don’t have the urge to talk to him. Maybe I won’t find the right guy, maybe I will always be single, but I do know (or at least I’m repeatedly reminding myself until I actually believe it) that I deserve more than this from Josh. I just might have to remind myself of that a couple more times. A friend asked me this week why do I keep trying? Maybe I should just give up for a while, but I do believe that I can find a guy, so I will keep trying. I’m not going to let this one setback be the end of the quest to find a guy who is Chasing Katie. What do you think?
