Muscles aren’t that great, right? I say this because, as I’m sure you can guess, there is no more Mr. Muscles. The cursed fourth date! I went over to Mr. Muscles house this week after a long night of school with parent teacher conferences, and we attempted to hang a chill night and watch a movie; that is when it started to go all wrong. I had noticed it before, but didn’t know how severe it was, but I was dealing with a guy who made out with his dogs. I thought it was awesome that he was an animal lover- with his two adorable dogs and he even had a turtle. And he must be a great parent because his dogs adored him, giving him lots of affection and kisses. However, I couldn’t even tell you what happened during the movie because I was so distracted by how often he kissed his dogs back- right on the mouth even!. At one point when we were cuddling I heard his dog licking, I turned around to try to make it stop (because come on- who likes to hear that- and I had tried to ignore it and not make a big deal about it because it was only our third date), and I saw that the dog was sitting on top of the couch and licking Mr. Muscles head- for several minutes. I was pretty grossed out, who loves dog slobber that much? And letting your dog lick you on your mouth- yuck! Later I decided it was good that Mr. Muscles had someone to kiss, because I wasn’t digging it. He was the type of kisser who sticks his tongue in your mouth and just leaves it there. What are you supposed to do with that? Besides feel like you are starting to choke on it- not my style at all.
We hung out again a couple days later, but I think I had already decided I wasn’t feeling it, and I didn’t think he was either. We hung out for a couple hours, with my falling asleep on the couch, and when he woke me up to leave, he walked away from me and rejected my hug- but I didn’t feel that sad about it. Though later when he sent me a text telling me “you are perhaps the most negative girl I’ve ever met when it comes to relationships”, that did sting a little bit. I couldn’t even deny that it wasn’t true, I know I have a tendency to expect the worst, but I didn’t realize I stated my fears aloud. I asked The Dentist about it when we hung out this weekend, and he confirmed my fears. “You project it on others that you don’t think it will work out”, he told me, “like a self-fulfilled prophecy”. Yowzer, that’s a tough pill to swallow, but I know it is definitely true.
While we are on the subject of muscles, I have a confession to make. A couple confessions to make actually. I saw Josh a couple weeks ago, and we’d been in contact since, though I am happy to report that I have gradually talked to him less and less, and I’m okay with it this time. Isn’t it weird how somebody can totally engulf you after knowing them for such a short time? Usually I’m a girl who goes so slow, and I hate to admit when I have real feelings for anyone, but Josh and our crazy chemistry totally took me off-guard. Perhaps the reason he pushed me away is because I was pushing him away. I remember, and talked about on my blog, some freak-outs I had, even after good moments. But I’m definitely not taking the blame on that relationship, I think Josh just isn’t the relationship type, he told me he’s okay with never finding someone, so I have to be okay with that, and move on, which I have (I think).
And in more news of muscles, I talked to The Super Ex last weekend. I was engaged to The Super Ex, he was the first man I ever said I loved, and the biggest heartbreak of my life. We’ve remained friendly after the big incident, with some set-backs when he got married (and quickly after divorced) to the woman he cheated on me with. But he’s on deployment, and I do care about his well-being, so we sometimes talk. However, every time we talk the past comes up, and it became very evident to me that neither of us is completely over the situation. I’m over him I think, I definitely don’t want to be with him, but I realized recently that I sometimes compare every guy I date to him. While we were together, I thought he was my perfect fit, and we got along so well until the big incident; I, and pretty much everyone who knew him and I, was completely dumb-founded about our split. And I always say it was at least an easier breakup because he completely owned up to what he did, and never blamed me. To this day he is apologetic and tells me how badly he regrets what he did to me, he even wants to give us a try again (don’t worry- I don’t). And I’ve realized that I may have this unseen checklist, where I compare every guy to The Super Ex and the relationship he and I had. We had the chemistry, he had the sense of adventure, the style, looks, he was romantic, he knew how to take my crap, we had the same dreams…. I never realized that I had this checklist, but when I think about guys that I have ended things with, I find that I do compare them. I’m admitting this because I realize that it isn’t fair to every guy I meet. But is it? Shouldn’t I be able to find what I had with The Super Ex, and more?
So, the moral of this week is, I know I need to quit being pessimistic about every guy I meet. They aren’t all The Super Ex, they aren’t all guaranteed to break my heart, but this will be a challenge. I’ve done it my whole life, always pushing people away. But this invisible checklist, I’m not sure. I think I should be able to find a guy who has all the qualities that I am looking for, who I click with most of the time. But maybe that is unrealistic, and maybe that is why we didn’t work out – because it was just too hard to keep up? So I am left tonight pondering these questions.
Excuse me for \”assuming\” but knowing my dog's breath smells like he's been eating shit, wouldn't someone's head smell like that after letting your dog lick your head for several minutes? Eww!